Being a kid is both comforting and maddening because it’s all so pre-plotted for you. Milestone to milestone, grade to grade, many of us are more or less traveling the same path as everyone we know, shepherded by grown-ups. 

The twenties? Mon Dieu! You’re Audrey in Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Actually, hopefully, you’re not, but you are excited and energetic and more or less independent, standing there in the deep pool of adult hood. There’s at least a fifty-fifty chance you’re scared, confused and broke too. A quick tour of headlines for “women in their twenties” turns up pages of gems like, ”Your 20’s can be exciting, scary, fun and formative” and “Women 30 or older – if you could give one piece of advice to a girl in her early 20’s, what would it be?” 

Ah, yes. The thirties. Decade of the calm-down, and for many of us, the roots. Since the day I turned 30, in Lexington, Kentucky’s finest drag club, I’ve become a mom, moved to Atlanta, sprinted through a dizzying series of jobs, bought a house, and woven my way into several fabulous communities. I’ve learned how to be a better friend and how to be a spouse and partner when things aren’t shiny and new anymore, gotten back into writing and ice skating, and what I’ve learned could fill a hilarious heartbreaker of a book (which I’m veeeery slowly writing, friends, so for now this blog will have to do). Damn it’s been hard sometimes, but on the whole, I’ve loved the thirties. According to the inter webs, my advice is coveted and IT SHOULD BE, as a woman on the north slope of the decade!

But now – TODAY, as I am writing this to you, I am crossing the barrier, leaving young adulthood fully and forever behind. Turning 35? That’s so five years ago. 

Hi. I’m D’Arcy, and I am fabulous forty. 

I have no idea what that means. 

And I think that can be a wonderful thing. 

Forty is unchartered waters. Think of all the stuff you’re supposed to do or just plain old have to do in young a-hood. But who’s out there putting together lists of “50 Under 50” or “Are the 40’s really your best years?” NO ONE! Which I am taking to mean, all the more freedom to make the 40’s fabulous however you want them to be. 

The fifties? Why don’t we call them “the fofi’s” and make them a THING – two decades of living life on your own terms? (And once you get to sixty, you know – it’ll be a lifelong habit!)

For inspiration, I did some research on women kicking ass in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

Women like Anna Mary Robertson Moses, aka Grandma Moses, who was in her late 70’s when she blossomed as a folk artist. Mrs. Moses, as she preferred to be called, had created art since her youth, though her younger decades were dominated by working on farms and raising a family. Once that important work was done, and her hands hurt from arthritis too much to focus on embroidery, she picked up a paintbrush.

Coretta Scott King was just shy of 40 when Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, leaving her with grief, four small children and a life in the spotlight. She established the King Center for Nonviolent Social change and went on to decades of significant social justice work, fighting hard against all manner of injustice as an advocate and an author. She also campaigned hard to create our country’s first holiday honoring a Black man, Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

You don’t have to have fame to be amazing. Looking closer to home, I see my friend Martee, school librarian & special ed teacher, mom to six children (one with a life-threatening illness and another with significant disabilities), amazing blogger, prospective book writer & birth photographer. I see my friend Lee, one of the most attuned and empathetic listeners I know, a born storyteller, survivor of family drama to the nth who is following her heart and beginning her Enneagram business. 

I see my mom, who at 41 began her second career as a reading teacher and lifted up the lives of countless students who without her might never have broken out of illiteracy. During that time my mom also got back to coaching ice skating, traveling internationally, rehabilitating her house to its current HGTV-worthy state and raising two kids. 

I see my grandma, who was a church administrator in her 50’s, worked for a tax attorney in her 60’s, and became an admin for her local school system in her 70’s until retiring last year at the tender age of 98. The whole time, she was and still is a figure skating judge and referee, who is always there for her four kids, ten grandchildren and five great-grands. My other grandma, after years as a homemaker, came into the workforce as an accountant once her children were grown. Lacking a college degree, she was overlooked for promotions, but nonetheless took to her career like a fish released into the open ocean. Back at home she applied her mathematical skills to the stock market, turning a humble nest egg into a healthy one. 

I’m not saying any of this is easy. I’m not saying everything we dream will come true. I’m saying great, amazing and wonderful things are possible once we know who we are and have become seasoned in life. 

What are the amazing, seasoned women in your life up to?

What about you? No, really – what do you WANT?? What brings you joy? And how are you going to find space in your life to do it?