The thing that I’ve been drooling over for months drooled back. Ew. What I mean is, this beautiful cupcake of an opportunity that I’ve been eyeing for months was offered to me. And I turned it down. 

This isn’t how the story is supposed to go. I’m supposed to say, I took it! Here I am, mothering and working and skating and blogging and cooking and laundry-ing and trying to make a couple of big life decisions OH AND I TOOK THE PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT OPPORTUNITY TOO because of course I can cram one more thing onto my overflowing plate! Watch for the social media pictures!

Is it just me who was brought up desperately seeking that kind of triumphant little biography to package up and show to the world? As in, don’t share your troubles with anyone, excel in everything you possibly can, and always smile as though everything is going perfectly? 

I once had a yoga teacher who stopped the class to point out how her standing pose was wavering. This is a woman who can ravel herself into knots while balancing on just about any part of her body. And yet, when I really looked, there it was – a gentle rock back, a sway front, a little bend and release of the knee. “Trees sway in the wind,” she reminded us. “It’s not about locking the perfect pose.”

This simple truth was a reveal to me.

Dammit, social media-saturated success-worshipping society, you’ve played a trick on me! Stop preying on us earnest little nerds who grew up believing the only choice was the relentless pursuit of perfection! 

I mean, hopefully there’s not too many of us. Hopefully most of you are like, “Oh, that’s so silly/sad/weird. She actually thought she had to hit home runs every day of her life. Luckily my grandparents/spiritual advisor/magic unicorn Jezebel taught me that I, like all humans, am inherently lovable and worthy.”

Or maybe you’re like – I got some of Column A (for ACHIEVE!!!), some of Column B (for, ummm, you are BEAUTIFUL).

Well. According to the book-slash-quiz I was obsessed with a few summers ago, everyone has a core tendency that drives what we do with the endless messages of the outside world. Some of us are wired to meet outer expectations, and some are wired to resist them. Same thing for the inner expectations – some people consistently knock it out of the park, or at least try to, when it comes to meeting what they expect of themselves. Others struggle stepping up to the plate. Those would be Rebels, who resist all expectations. Or, uuuuggggghhhhhh, Obligers, who readily comply with what outsiders want of us but have a hard time following through on what we ourselves want. Also known as, the perennial volunteers. The Nice Ones. The “always there in a pinch” crowd.

Whether you believe in these types of quizzes and categories or scoff at them, it’s dangerous when your default is to say “yes” to what the world asks you for. People can smell it on you. Such as, the boss who stuck his head in my office at 5 pm, his car keys already in hand, and casually said he needed me to present an extra two topics at our board meeting the following week. I was a fairly new employee, pregnant to boot, but it didn’t occur to me to say anything but an instant yes. And to stick around for another few hours that night getting ready for the presentation. 

Lucky for her, lucky for me, the sweet baby who arrived a few months after that late night work session is much more honest about her struggles than I ever was. That sweet baby, who would be pissed at being called that, is now eight and loves dinosaurs and swimming and family time. She’s the girl who cheerfully pulls new friends into her orbit, the kid who’s always up for a new adventure yet can entertain herself for hours making up stories. And this spring, that fantastic little character got dragged through the mud in a series of battles with her own brain,  squeezed by anxiety and overwhelmed by big emotions.

As in, being nervous around toilets, especially unfamiliar ones. Feeling too afraid to walk around our neighborhood, when we used to love our neighborhood strolls. Hanging out with me, in the bathroom, while I’m in the shower, gasping and whispering, “What was that?” at every unexpected sound. Calls from school on the really struggly days. Mean, brutal, wicked anxiety. Oh how I’d make it all go away if I could. Of course I can’t, at least not right away. My sweet child is learning early on that some days boil down to getting through. 

But, we will get through. We’ll hold onto hope and we’ll laugh at ourselves, or at least we’ll laugh at me, when one of the small animals she’s babysitting jumps out of my grasp and I jump in fear and she jumps to retrieve it. We’ll do things we love and let go of things we don’t. And we’ll figure it out. We’ll try different things and figure out the tricks and tools she needs to live mostly happily, with her anxiety under control, like I’ve learned to live mostly happily with my depression.

It all makes the cupcake of an opportunity I was chasing look small in comparison. Beautiful, but small. And this summer isn’t about professional development cupcakes for me. This summer is about fun, and love, and trying new strategies to stop the walls in my sweet girl’s head from closing in. We can tune in and out of what’s going on with the rest of the world this summer. We can listen without doing. I can do a thing, or give resources to help, when I’m able.

The important thing on this Obliger’s plate right now is taking care of us. 

Photo credits: cupcake by GLady, yoga man by theMilsEdition, smushing face woman by Engin_Akyurt. All from Pixabay.